How I muffled the “Mommy Guilt” and starting taking better care of myself in 5 Steps.
(Trigger warning: I discuss my own experience with suicidal ideations)
I used to hate days like this.
“No Events”.
No structure, no preparation for somewhere or something or someone. Not being able to set my day around some commitment that I probably didn’t want to keep anyways. In the past, the inconvenience of doing something that I really did not want to do was better than the enveloping worry that I felt when I had no plans.
I didn’t feel the excitement I do now.
I would unsuccessfully try to find the perfect balance of productivity and rest. I was wrought with anxiety trying to figure out the “right things” and making sure I did not “waste the day”. Which would inevitably happen.
Does this sound familiar? Tell me I’m not the only one.
Side note: I swore I would never be one of those Pinterest Recipe people who write a novel at the beginning. Just post the fucking recipe at the top and quit wasting my time! I don’t care how this recipe helped repair your relationship with your dog, Jennifer. Fuck sakes.
Here’s the how, and it will make more sense if you continue reading the why down below.
1) Write a “To-Do” and a “To-Don’t” list.
Now this is a little reverse trick I learned from Sally Helgasen’s book, “How Women Rise”. Your “To-Do” list includes all the things you ACTUALLY want to do. The indulgent things like, take a long bath or spend the day without being touched by small hands that aren’t mine (I’m a mom of two young kids, this one is real life for me right now). Being clear on what our needs are is a great place to identify what may end up on this list. (Stay tuned for a “How to know what you need” blog coming soon).
Your ”To-Don’t” list includes all the things that finish the phrase “I should”. These are things that may move your life forward in the direction that you want it to go, but take up energy that you may not have right now. Keywords: RIGHT NOW. This isn’t to say that these tasks will never be completed, but we are trying to create a habit of choosing just one indulgent item for ourselves each day. When we choose an indulgent item, we are rewiring our brain to know that we deserve to feel good too and that the guilt is a self-propelled emotion that holds us back from enjoying our life! Neuroplasticity works bitches!
2) Give yourself permission to try it for a week.
As I say to my “ewww, that’s gross mom” eater, “just give it a shot”. If you don’t like how you feel after completing an indulgent item, then stop and go back to your regular programming. But try it for at least a week, our brains are brilliant but stubborn. I guarantee you, micro choices become macro changes. Commit to it! You’ve got this!
3) Cap your Daily Completed Tasks List to 3 choices.
So that means two items from your “To-Don’t” list and one from your “To-Do”. The feeling of validation and productivity we are looking for can be achieved by completing just 3 tasks. If you want to know more about the science, look up “Do Less” by Kate Northrup. Just 3 tasks! Crazy right?
4) Use discernment to set you up to win.
Discern what tasks are manageable and reasonable. It is unreasonable to “clean the entire house”, unless you are a minimalist, your kids wear only clean neutrals and help with clean-up as an act of love. In which case, we can’t be friends. Ensure the items on your list are doable.
5) Go Easy On Me – Adele
God, I love me some Adele! Forgiveness and a a dash of compassion for someone who is forming a new habit can make or break this practice. Let’s face it, you are not going to get it right every.single.time. I told myself, more often than not. That looked like 2 times a week at first. If you end up using the whole day to “clean the entire house”, trust that it was what you needed to do this time. Don’t make it a big deal and try again.
A copy of my list.
Ok, there! Who’s still with me?
My growth was not immediate or consistent. I knew I needed a change when my youngest was 18 months. My mom had just died 3 months earlier, I was on mat leave, but now with two kids under 5, and I was experiencing excruciating pain from endometriosis. I had hit a low that made it near impossible for me to be there for others, let alone myself. Thoughts of ending my life were slowly creeping in. The pain I felt both physically and in my soul was becoming too much and I had hit my limit. There are many names for this deep darkness that I have learned since. “Come to Jesus Moment, Rock Bottom, The Magic Dark”. All hold the a depth of grief and loss for something you once had. I found it difficult to discuss this with my family, since I grew up not really acknowledging the validity of mental illness. So I sat in it alone for a long time.
In this darkness, I started to hear the voice of my soul telling me that I needed help. We all have that voice; you know the one. It lives within us loudly when we are children and over time and social conditioning, struggles to be heard as a whisper. Thanks to some very curated social media accounts, I get daily reminders that She is here and can be heard when I stay still and quiet.
Please know that you do not need to have experienced any form of Deep Dark to know you don’t like how things are going in life. Not every transformation requires a complete overhaul. Actually, the easiest way I was able to find peace and confidence was to face the smaller challenges and build my momentum. I relied on the mantra, “Micro choices become macro changes” to keep my little blue engine going.
According to my Human Design, I can achieve success through the tried and true “slow and steady” approach, which has always been my MO. This awareness has given me the confidence to embrace MY method to success and the permission to go at my own speed. Thus my 5 step practice.
Fast forward to this morning. I wake up to the reminder that have “No Events” scheduled and I breathe out a sigh of relief and relaxation. I’m awake! I’m awake before my kids start their day and as a Mother, that silence is just the best! As my body starts to slither out of bed I remember to ask it, “how would You like to use today?”
She replies “Indulgence and Rest”. And so I cleaned the entire house.
Not really, but sometimes.
